‘Vanderpump Rules Recap’: Krazy Kristen Is Back Betches

WHAT’S UP, F* CKERS?( I don’t know, seems like a thing Jax would say .) On last week’s chapter, Krazy Kristen was rising. This episode, she’s going to be all the way out, and I cannot wait.

We open back up at SUR with Guillermo’s meeting, which we already saw last week. I’ll exactly print and glue my report from last week’s recap:

Guillermo is like, “I don’t necessity a DJ, I require a bus son, but James retains f* cking it up.” YIKES. Soul is SALTY. Get him some tequila and lime. Before get up from the table he’s like “oh yeah and BTW I’m still looking for a DJ.” What about DJ Mickey? You mean Mickey isn’t killing it on the 1s and 2s during Spicy Tequila Tuesdays?

James explodes into weepings and Peter is just like “kill me this is so awkward get me tf outta here.” RT, Peter.

After the satisfy, James and Harry go into the famed alley. This time they’re not starting a fight, but instead, having a heart-to-heart. That’s new for this alley. So James is DJing at Pump…so basically he didn’t really lose his profession, he just lost See You Next Tuesday. Unless you believe this plot ideology that states he’s back.

Jax :Did James and Lisa like embed a figure together in the wilderness? I don’t understand why she remains hiring him back.

Well for the answer to that, Jax, you could try LOOKING IN A MIRROR.

Jax invites Peter to guy’s nighttime, and I for one am offended that he was not already on the guest register ?? JUSTICE FOR PETER!

Back in Solvang, Kristen is off the rails. The girlfriends go into a toy store and act like they have never seen one before. Stassi is like “Omg toys! Beau would cum in his breathes if he saw this.” You know they have toy stores, like, everywhere right?

Lmfao that Scheana doesn’t know what to talk about with Katie and Stassi if she can’t talk about Adam.

I kind of get why Kristen thinks her friends are assholes to her, but I likewise get why they are picking on her, and it’s because she’s blacked out in the midst of the day and is saying “I’m tired I want to go home” in a different language.

So that’s happening. Back at TomTom, and we congregate the brand-new director: Leo. In case any of you were wondering if Sandoval is the manager, he is decidedly not. What does he do again?

Sandoval bought some bizarre machine to freeze fires and brings it to TomTom and is salty that Lisa doesn’t think it goes with the decoration. I symbolize, it doesn’t. But does your fridge go with the decoration? No. It’s a machine. It doesn’t have to go with the decor.

They tell Lisa about the guys’ night and she immediately thinks it’s a bad feeling( it is ). The people are like “no it will be fine, we have celibacy loops on.”

Lisa : But Jax could still shag your girlfriend while you’re asleep.

Me :

Brittany FaceTimes Jax and he’s being a d* ck. Brittany is like “I’m not trying to be his mom, but I want to know where he’s starting and what time he’s going to be there and I speculate I have that right afforded everything I’ve been through.” I necessitate, yeah. No proofs here.

Jax tells Brittany that James is DJing at Pump and Kristen LOSES IT. Brace yourselves.

Ohhhh so Kristen is mad that she never get her chore at SUR back, while James and Jax and everyone else could dedicate steal and threaten people and still get to work there. Ahh so that’s what it is. That makes feel. The difference is Kristen never kissed Lisa’s ass for her undertaking back and all these guys did.

Kristen : She’s generating him a chance again, suck my d* ck Lisa

Kristen, that is exactly you telling a woman to suck your metaphorical d* ck that got you shot the first time. When will you learn ???

Kristen leads off and disappears and doesn’t come back by dinnertime. Should we mail Lassie after her? Perhaps she’s fallen down a well?

JK, she comes back just as they’re talking sh* t about her. Convenient. The girlfriends are all like “why are you so haunted with James”( I restate) and Kristen’s response, verbatim, is:

Kristen : Of all the people I’ve dated , nothing has infuriated me more than James Kennedy. They should just understand.

I mean, I don’t understand. I really, rightfully, do not understand. But I would like to! And so I keep watching, ships against the current, in the hopes that I will finally see why Kristen cannot let go of its relations with James.

Kristen’s like “I can’t help emotionally” and Katie’s like “try to.” Katie, the poster child for emotional stability and rational reactions! If I could I would put a montage here of her throwing alcohols on Schwartz and telling him his d* ck doesn’t work.


Lisa comes up to Harry to be like “well your friend f* cked up so you’re possibly a f* ckup, ” and Harry RIGHTFULLY says “I’m my own person, I’m not my brother.” This whole thing feels like when you had an older brother at school and everyone expects you to be exactly like him, seemingly forgetting that you have different DNA makeup.

It’s guys’ nighttime !!! Behr behr behr behrrrrrrrrr( that was an airhorn audio, if you couldn’t tell ). Sandoval is “re dressed like” an extra in The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story and all the guys are potting on which girlfriend will have the first meltdown. Whoever suspects Kristen is correct.

The guys call James to come out. Jax is like “he’s like a puppy, you wanna feel bad for him.”

Back at girls’ weekend, the girls are all taking shootings. To my surprise, Scheana agrees to take one !! Stassi is like “wow this is exciting you used to be such a buzzkill.” Slouse TO: THE INFAMOUS GREEN TEA SHOT EPISODE OF 2016! The very same occurrence I referenced last week in my summary. Bravo editors, get on my degree !!!

Katie’s like, “Scheana I have a question for you.”

Scheana :OK
Katie :I heard that you and Adam went to bang town
Scheana, was seeking to figure out if this is a net :


Scheana immediately starts crying. Yikes.

Katie : Scheana and Rob’s relationship was just primed to be made merriment of. She sang his identify like it was a symphony.

Holy f* ck. Bravo, Katie. Truer words “ve never been” spoken.


BRB, replaying that incident from now until forever. It will be playing at my bridal. You are all invited.

Katie and Scheana sort of seem to make up in a forced lane, with Katie making a joke at Scheana’s expense and Scheana laughing simply to get the group to move on. Fine, I’ll take the bait. Let’s move on.

So back at people darknes Peter is talking about titties in his face. Good.

James shows up actually looking like the white Kanye in a short-sleeved khaki-colored hoodie.

So James was like “I was so happy that Thomas called me” and it took me a full five minutes to figure out who Thomas is.

In equally important word, Schwartz doesn’t know how to declare the word “wingman”?

Schwartz : Wingmain? Wing-mang?
All of us :WING-MANNING.

Sandoval, Peter, and James come back with a bunch of females and Jax is like “f* ck , now I gotta practise self-control? F* ck meeeee.”

Jax is like not comfy, which I actually get, and would seem to be he should tell Brittany. Actually, yeah I get it, he possibly should tell her just so that he doesn’t look bad later on.

Cut to: an insane room party like we’re in high school. There’s a million people crammed into one hotel chamber drinking like on my last nighttime of Birthright.



Schwartz is taking bottles to the face while expressed the view that he’s not going to black out. Ok dude.

Carter’s texting Kristen that James came to guys’ nighttime and Kristen is evenly losing it. Look, I know we all wish our exes would die a fiery death, but this is uncalled for.

Peter takes some girl into the room to slam. I’m kind of surprised he didn’t simply have an indulgence. Jax and Beau go onto the balcony to call their mommas lovers.

Honestly, the phone call runs fine. The girlfriends get back to the inn and Kristen is already stumbling. They are being various kinds of mean to her, with Katie stimulating unnecessary punches like “just sit down, it’s not an obstacle course, it’s not that hard.” Damn, why you gotta beat a squandered mare?

Kristen IS that wino acquaintance who blacks out and starts running away at full speed. She goes outside for no reason. Lol. I symbolize I get that the gang might be tired of taking care of her, but she seems very drunk but likewise appears to be moderately coherent? She’s not slurring her statements that I can discover. Or does she exactly ordinarily slur her statements? I’m not sure what to believe at this point.

Katie is actually not helping by trying to push a clash with Kristen. Like, fam, she is too drunk to step properly–she is not in a residence to have a sit-down exchange. Wait until the morning. Kristen gets up to leave and trips over the table( which I intend I would probably do sober, but whatever) and Kristen continues wailing “CARTER KEEPS TEXTING ME ABOUT BOYS’ NIGHT” over and over as if that matters at all.

So Katie get mad at Kristen for being drunk( k ?) and tells her to go to bed, so she does, and Katie is mad at Kristen. Lala also says she was being trashy.

Katie calls Schwartz and has him thrown Carter on the phone to insure “what hes” texting Kristen.

Katie : Your girlfriend is being an shame, she’s so f* cked up.


Scheana is the one who puts two and two together that the above reasons Kristen is so upset is that James is at boys’ darknes. This segues into a larger exchange about how Katie doesn’t conceive Carter is good for her, and Stassi is like “no sh* t, she complains about him all the time.”

Wow so Carter calls Kristen a crazy psycho bitch and doesn’t offer hire? Cool, I take back every single nice thing I’ve ever said about him. Shed the whole humankind away!

Stassi runs the beans about Carter and Kristen’s relationship problems and then immediately has a freakout about running the bean. I intend yeah I are most likely feel guilty about saying a cluster of sh* t that wasn’t my home to say on camera. Oopsies!

Stassi: That wasn’t my region, that wasn’t my place.
Also Stassi :* Goes on for 5 more hours about Kristen’s relationship issues*

Stassi : You know what, someone who refuses to pay lease and compensate legislations kind of is a bad guy.
Me :* lights at Lala*

And that’s more or less where things objective this week. Investigate you f* ckers next time!( No, you’re right, I will absolutely not try to induce that a thing. Thanks, love you !)

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