Trump’s Dumb ‘Hall Of Presidents’ Request

ALL WEEK, WE’VE BEEN LEARNING
BEHIND-THE-SCENES DETAILS OF THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY FROM THE NEW
TELL-ALL “TEAM OF VIPERS,” BY FORMER TRUMP STAFFER AND NEWBORN
BABY WITH A FULL SET OF CHOMPERS, CLIFF SIMS. CLIFF SIMS IS GOING TO BE OUR
GUEST ON MONDAY, AND I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, BECAUSE THERE’S
SOME JUICE IN THERE. A LOT OF THE INFORMATION IN THIS
BOOK IS UPSETTING AND FRIGHTENING. BUT LUCKILY, SOME OF IT IS JUST
DELIGHTFULLY DUMB, LIKE THIS STORY. WHEN REPRESENTATIVES FROM DISNEY
WENT TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO CAPTURE TRUMP’S VOICE FOR HIS
ANIMATRONIC FIGURE IN THE HALL OF PRESIDENTS, TRUMP HAD AN
UNUSUAL REQUEST. “TRUMP WANTED HIS ROBOTIC
LIKENESS TO TELL DISNEY-GOERS THAT AMERICANS INVENTED THE
SKYSCRAPER.” HOW IS THAT WHAT YOU PICK? FOR PETE’S SAKE, ROBOT LINCOLN’S
TALKING ABOUT THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION, AND YOU WANT YOUR
GUY SAYING, “BEFORE AMERICA, THERE WERE NO PENTHOUSES TO
OFFER VLADIMIR PUTIN AND– ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND, AND– AND, LOOK, GIANT GORILLAS HAD NOTHING TO
CLIMB.” DISNEY HAD JUST ONE SMALL NOTE
ON THAT REQUEST, SAYING THAT AMERICANS HADN’T ACTUALLY
INVENTED THE CONCEPT OF A SKYSCRAPER. IT’S “JUST A TALLER BUILDING.” (AS TRUMP ): “OKAY, BUT AMERICA
DID INVENT HIGH-FIVES, CHEESE-IN-CRUST PIZZA,
HOT DOG-IN-CRUST PIZZA, AND PIZZA-IN-CRUST HOT DOGS. ( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU, BENJAMIN FRANKLIN. WE WILL FIND YOUR REAL KILLER
SOMEDAY.” AND IF YOU THINK THAT REQUEST
WAS STRANGE, JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR THE LOGIC BEHIND IT. HE WANTED TO MENTION SKYSCRAPERS
TO REMIND VISITORS OF HIS OWN CAREER IN REAL ESTATE, SAYING,
“THEN I COULD ADD A LITTLE, ‘WHICH, OF COURSE, I KNOW A
THING OR TWO ABOUT,’ RIGHT?” EVIDENTLY NOT! BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT WE INVENTED
THEM! ( LAUGHTER )
AND THAT’S NOT THE ONLY BIZARRE STORY IN THIS BOOK. SIMS WRITES THAT BACK IN 2017,
TRUMP TALKED TO A NASA ADMINISTRATOR AND SAID, “WHAT’S
OUR PLAN FOR MARS?” THE ADMINISTRATOR EXPLAINED TO
THE PRESIDENT THAT BY THE 2030s, NASA WOULD ATTEMPT A MANNED
SPACEFLIGHT. (AS TRUMP ): “BUT IS THERE ANY
WAY WE COULD DO IT BY THE END OF MY FIRST TERM? ( LAUGHTER )
ALSO, UNRELATED QUESTION: CAN YOU BE SUBPOENAED IN SPACE? ( LAUGHTER )
ARE THERE SPACE MUELLERS? ARE THERE
WHAT IF I… WHAT IF?” NASA TOLD HIM NO, THAT WAS
IMPOSSIBLE. BUT TRUMP WAS WILLING TO DO
ANYTHING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. (AS TRUMP ): “BUT WHAT IF I GAV
YOU ALL THE MONEY YOU COULD EVER NEED TO DO IT? WHAT IF WE SENT NASA’S BUDGET
THROUGH THE ROOF BUT FOCUSED ENTIRELY ON THAT INSTEAD OF
WHATEVER ELSE YOU’RE DOING NOW? AND WHAT IF– FOLLOW ME HERE–
WHAT IF WE LAUNCHED THE ROCKET OFF A BIG, BEAUTIFUL WALL, AND
INSIDE THE ROCKET, NANCY PELOSI? ( LAUGHTER )
OR AS I CALL HER, ‘NANCY.'” ( LAUGHTER )
AND THAT WASN’T THE END– ( APPLAUSE )
THAT WASN’T THE END– THEY LOVE THE NEW NICKNAME. PEOPLE LOVE THE NEW NICKNAME,
JON. >> Jon: NANCY
>> Stephen: AND THAT WASN’T THE END OF THE ODD BEHAVIOR. SIMS REPORTS THAT JUST BEFORE
CALLING THE ASTRONAUTS, TRUMP DECIDED TO STOP IN HIS
WHITE-MARBLED BATHROOM FOR ONE FINAL CHECK IN THE MIRROR,
SMIRKED, AND SAID TO HIMSELF, “SPACE STATION, THIS IS YOUR
PRESIDENT.” (AS TRUMP ): “YES, I AM YOUR
SPACE PRESIDENT. PEW! PEW! PEW! PEW! HEY, PRINCESS LEIA, OBI-WAN’S
NOT YOUR ONLY HOPE.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT? ! WHAT! OF COURSE A LOT OF GREAT NEW
IDEAS COME FROM OUTSIDE OF WASHINGTON. THIS ISN’T ONE OF THEM. AN ARIZONA STATE LEGISLATOR HAS
PROPOSED A BILL TO FUND THE BORDER WALL THROUGH A TAX ON
PORN. YOU WANT TO START THE NEXT
AMERICAN REVOLUTION? START TAXING PORN. AS PATRICK HENRY ONCE SAID,
“GIVE ME BIG NATURALS OR GIVE ME DEATH!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE WOMAN–
THE WOMAN WHO WANTS TO TAKE AWAY YOUR PORN IS ARIZONA STATE REP
AND EXACTLY WHAT YOU THOUGHT SHE’D LOOK LIKE, GAIL GRIFFIN. ( LAUGHTER )
EVEN IF HER BILL PASSES, IT MAY NOT BE ENOUGH, BECAUSE WHILE
TRUMP NEEDS $5.7 BILLION FOR HIS WALL, ARIZONA PLANS A TAX OF
$20, BUT HAS ONLY 7 MILLION RESIDENTS. THAT MEANS, TO PAY FOR THE WALL,
EVERY SINGLE ARIZONAN WOULD HAVE TO LOOK AT PORN 814 TIMES. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT COULD TAKE HOURS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.

Author: Moderator