Well, Bachelor fam, the end is in sight. And by “end” I represent the fence hopping situation patently. This week is my favorite week of every season: Hometowns. Hometowns is always a merriment occurrence, because we get to meet the women’s families and learn a little more about their
daddy issues background. Plus there’s always at least one wife a season who introduces her less attractive sister who clearly could have been her if her face wasn’t paid for by modern science. Lest we forget Becca’s sister from last-place season, whose whisker thrived three inches every time a humankind lied about being in love with her sister. Meet? Fun !!
Surprise, surprise. ABC decides to start off an chapter that’s meant to be about connecting with family and taking relations to a deeper level with a be closed down of Colton’s wet, naked figure. At least they’re playing to his persuasiveness. That was a cheap shot, ABC, but I visualize why you had to do it.
Colton’s talking about what a struggle his passage has been as a lily-white, conventionally attractive boy who happens to be a maiden. The fright. He casually throws out Becca’s name and it’s literally the first time he’s mentioned her this entire season. Lol. I forgot he even dated her? How nice of him to start pretending for us he was ever into her.
Moving on. First up is Caelynn’s hometown, and Colton tours to Virginia to meet up with her, which is perplexing because for the last 8 weeks anytime anyone has accidentally breathed in her guidance she’s humble boasted about being Miss North Carolina. Do we think Caelynn wears her “Miss North Carolina” waistband around Virginia or do you think she’s embarrassed because she could never acquire in Virginia and had to move to a different commonwealth to do so?
Colton invests approximately three seconds around Caelynn’s family before they’re already visibly disgusted by him. Imagine how you’d feel if you watched him for eight weeks, John !!
Caelynn’s sister plucks her aside for some “girl talk, ” which is just a thinly veiled pep talk about how Caelynn needs to keep her psyche in video games and dump his ass so she can become the next Bachelorette . Honestly, I can’t even concentrate on what the sister is even saying because MY GOD what is happening on her eyeballs rn? Like, does she have a lazy see? Is she exactly atrociously bad at utilizing false eyelashes? Is she maybe a drunkard? IS IT ALL THREE ??
Okay, why is Caelynn’s family acting like Colton is America’s bad son? Like, he’s about as imperil as a neutered golden retriever. The only person who is talking any sense here is John, Caelynn’s STEPdad , absolutely no truth to the rumors biological dad, who she has nothing to do with unless it helps her backstory to go farther in this franchise.
JOHN: Let me just ask you though, do you feel like he might be lesbian?
HAHA. SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, JOHN.
Lol. John is stunning. He’s like “why can’t you simply be friends tho? ” and it’s it’s like, generate it some time sweetie. Caelynn’s got about one more week left on this depict and then she’ll be singing his praises about what a good guy he is and how she’s only ready to find love herself.
John sits down with Colton next. This should be good. Wait is Colton already asking for her hand in matrimony? Why is he making this so weird?
COLTON: I don’t see I love your daughter at all but IF I have to bite the bullet in two weeks do I have your consecrating to get married?
Christ, Colton. At least PRETEND like you’re not this close to dumping her! Come on. Have some tact.
Also the look on John’s face at the believed to be his daughter being won over by the human equivalent of Humpty Dumpty is f* cking priceless. The appointment concluded with Caelynn telling Colton she’s falling for him and Colton saying it back with about as much exuberance as someone who had to be motivated with a cue card that said “SAY IT BACK”( which is absolutely what I accept happened here ).
HANNAH’S HOMETOWN : b>
Next up is Hannah’s hometown, so Colton heads down to Alabama. WAIT. Both Hannahs this season are from Alabama? Can you imagine if the other Hannah had stimulated it to Hometowns and not only were they combating it out for a place in the Fantasy Suite but also to understand who was the better Alabama Hannah? What a missed possibility, ABC!
For their date, Hannah establishes Colton go to an etiquette class so he was able to learn how to be a Southern gentlemen. Lol k. Like, last occasion he and Hannah were together he slapped her ass on national television and energetically rubbed himself on her behind a thicket. I think we’re wayyyy past that, Han.
MISS SUE : b> Don’t worry, simply be yourself! Except not the ego who simply buttered that biscuit like an uncivilized circus animal.
ALSO MISS SUE AND COLTON : b>
Hannah’s like “that was such a fun date! ” meanwhile, Colton was like he only lived through Vietnam. I can’t wait to see how his newly defeated state of mind plays out when he assembles the parents!
Okay, why does Hannah’s mom look like one of Melissa McCarthy’s aliases in Spy ? And her Aunt looks like a poor man’s Kate Gosselin? Like, what am I looking at here ??
I adore how Hannah’s mothers disapprove of her dating a mortal on national television “whos also” dating 25 other women, but they approve of her budding career as an Instagram thirst trap. Like, your daughter has 600,000+ adherents on Instagram, fake dating a gentleman for advertisement is probably the least this girlfriend will do for an Instagram partnership.
HANNAH G : b> I’m just really falling for Colton you know?
HANNAH G’S MOM : b>
YOU GUYS I LITERALLY CAN’T UNSEE IT.
Colton says he’s falling for her, and she says it back with about just as much excitement as someone with vacant doll eyes are now able to have. That said, I do suppose she’ll make it to next week. Hannah, you’re one lucky girlfriend! Here’s hoping he lasts longer than the obligatory handjob she feels like she has to give him.
Colton convenes Tayshia in her hometown and she immediately draws out a ruby-red blindfold and get Colton into the position. Uh oh, Colton. You better watch out or you might be losing your v-card in Tayshia’s blood-red room of pain.
HAHA. Okay, so Tayshia isn’t surprising him with something kinkies, instead they’re just going skydiving. Colton, however, was like he would have preferably had a spanking then be forced to jump off a moving plane.
COLTON : b> I suspect I actually shouldn’t have induced her bungee jumping that one time…
ALSO COLTON : b> * blubbering* but I don’t want to die a innocent !!
Y’ALL. THAT SCREAM. That was the least attractive thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I hope Tayshia gets cut the coming week because idk how she’s going to be able to take that scream in the bedroom.
Moving on. We get ready for Colton to meet Tayshia’s family for the first time and her father is like “Colton is gonna have to be a superstar.” Yeah, you might want to lower that table, sir. Like, to the flooring.
Colton marches in and he is VERY self-confident for a soul who only screamed like a girl on national television. He’s like “I feel like I can do anything now that I didn’t wet myself jump-start from that aircraft like I considered I would.”
Okay, is Colton just going to repeat the exact same speech to every papa? Like, he’s not even subbing in any individualized detailed information about each daughter. Meanwhile, Tayshia’s dad is practically praying Colton to dump her. He’s like “she’s been divorced once already, delight don’t stimulate me pay for another one.”
OMG. He only told Colton he doesn’t have his permission to marry his daughter! I have so much respect for this dude now. THANK YOU for not negotiating with
these terrorists ABC and giving into their necessitates that he not dislike Colton’s guts.
TAYSHIA’S DAD : b> You can’t simply microwave a relationship.
COLTON : b>
Okay, I’m cancelling my earlier respect mention because Tayshia’s dad just CAVED and threw Colton his approval. He’s like “I feel content to say yes to Colton” and it’s the most lukewarm response I’ve ever heard, and I’m wondering how they managed to keep the gun individual producers is holding to his head off camera.
Last up is Cassie’s hometown. If you’ll echo, last week Cassie was almost sent home when she was called out for being too immature and not “re ready for” wedding, but then didn’t because Colton is of the view that he didn’t care so long as he got put. I paraphrase.
Cassie takes Colton channel-surf for their date because apparently it’s her “favorite thing to do.” I’m sure she also adoration grabbing a beer with the people and watching the big game because she merely “gets along better with guys.” Mmkay, Cassie.
Okay, how much do we envision Colton is going to emasculate himself trying to surf? Oh, as far as is possible I guess. He’s flopping around all over the place and it’s like, I thought you were health professionals contestant? Where is that athleticism that had you travelling the bench for one season? Hmm?
Colton takes a break from humiliating himself in the ripples to request her if she sees a future with him and she’s like “uhhhhh.” Okay is this not EXACTLY what Kirpa and Tayshia tried to say last-place episode ?? Like, Cassie and Colton might have the most chemistry I’ve visualized all season( besides that hug between Colton and Ben last week which was positively sizzling ), but Cassie is not here to get married. She’s here for Instagram likes and maybe her own spinoff.
Cut to Colton meeting the family and they are…very blonde. Is it only me or does her family look like they’re their own religion?
Also, I cherish that all the families congregate Colton and then immediately tell the girl not to settle. It’s like they were all for them being on The Bachelor until we are really gratified the Bachelor and recognise he has the desirability of a wet sock. At least Colton didn’t open with “did you know that in our past lives “wed been” siblings !! ”
Okay, I’m low-key appalled by Cassie’s behavior during this date. Her parents try and voice their concerns to her and she’s acting like me when my mom tried to tell me it was inappropriate to walk around in public wearing a shirt that said “my sees are up here” at aged 14.
CASSIE’S DAD: You’re merely 23 and marriage is a big commitment.
CASSIE : b>
Yeah, she seems ready to be spiritually and legally bound to someone for the rest of her natural-born life.
Cassie doesn’t tell Colton she’s falling for him AND her father flat out refuses to give his bles. Commonly, this is the kiss of death for most girls who get this far, but I have a feeling Colton would go on strike and is unwilling to do another shower situation if Cassie didn’t at the least make it to the Fantasy Suite.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
Going into the rose liturgy, I feel like I already know who’s going home. but sure ABC, why not continue to garbage our time. As much as Cassie should go home because it’s so clear that she’s merely on this evidence for Instagram likes, I feel like Colton is going to follow his
centre dick and keep her around for another week.
Annnnd Caelynn goes home, where I’m sure she will continue to campaign for her spot as the next Bachelorette from afar. To is equitable, she knew it was over the second largest he picked Tayshia and it was down to exactly her and Cassie.
Meanwhile, Cassie searches more psychological about Caelynn leaving than she has anytime Colton has ever declared his feelings for her. WAIT. Did Caelynn only whisper” get committed” as her departure statements to Cassie ?? Y’all, I feel like these two have some shady hidden agenda happening on the side, and those last words to Cassie are exclusively confirming this for me.
Well, betches, that’s a fold for this week! And if you thought watching Colton ask for four hands in matrimony wasn’t torture enough, next week we get to listen to him grumble behind closed- door on Monday, and realize what cosmetic enhancements the status of women have gotten because they were gained 500,000 instagram followers at the Tell All on Tuesday. Examine you there!
Images: Giphy( 5 ); @bachelorabc/ Instagram( 2 ); ABC( 2)
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