SNL Cold Open – 1/19/19 – Alec Baldwin Absolutely Nailed Trump over government shutdown

[Applause] I’m sorry about that players just meet Steve Harvick how is out sick you know he’s a germaphobe but yesterday I was like oh come on Howard shake one person’s hand and he shook it two hours later Ebola I’m sorry you were right Howard all right now our government’s been shut down for like a month and I spent two hours at TSA yesterday in Atlanta they thought I was smuggling extra teeth in my mouth so let’s bring out the guy who said he was on the shutdown he’s the president and we both got neckties long enough then they could get calling the room hey Steve tremendous to be here just tremendous okay you went on TV and you told the American people that you want to make a deal the train station all right so we decided to do this in the only format that you can understand a TV game show with women holding briefcase now in your briefcase here you got the deal that Congress offered you in December and I said no Jim yeah nobody’s excited about that play what was your counteroffer today I won five billion from my border wall and in exchange I’ll extend daca and I’ll release the kids from cages so they can be free range kids okay well let’s see the members of Congress that are willing to offer you new deals so this nonsense can go away all right what do you say mr. president sighs you want to open the briefcase number five no I’m seeing a lot of these women of fives on the dais or the women’s marks okay then I choose I choose case number three Fancy Nancy Palooza okay speak of the House Nancy Pelosi Nancy how you feeling tonight just normal not like junk on my own power or anything okay now you rejected the president’s offer this afternoon I’m afraid I did which is a real shame because I hate saying no to you mr. Trump yeah okay I’m scared let’s get see what’s in your briefcase Nancy okay 1 billion dollars then you say Nancy’s my mommy but it’s not 5 billion and I need 5 billion because that’s the first random number I said no deal oh no we’re still fighting this to true my god you almost gave you a heart attack I’m so sorry mr. president if the government shutdown you can’t do the State of the Union it’s for security reasons not because I’m vindictive or anything I can’t do the State of the Union I guess what you’re not flying to Afghanistan oh no I can’t go on my vacation to a war zone what will I do boy this is like watching this like watching two grandparents fight over the thermostat all right Nancy you had your chance not a let’s pick another one please I’ll take that older Jewish women in case four okay that’s Chuck Schumer it’s okay that’s okay I’m just happy for any attention yeah okay so what’s your offer okay my offer is whatever you want Chuck we’re not doing that anymore remember we’re not caving you oh right right yeah projecting strength okay let me put on my fiery red cheetahs okay my new offer is $15 and a pastrami on rye yeah okay Deal or No Deal mr. president and remember every time you choose No Deal half a million federal employees work another day without getting paid cool story bro No Deal man well speaking of getting paid I need to thank our sponsors tonight green beef yeah it shouldn’t be green but ain’t nobody FDA this pretty lady in the inner tube way out in the ocean be back soon hang in there better all right let’s pick again player they sure will Claire hey you don’t work both ways Bangkok I’ll go with case 9 Steve okay that’s playboy and Mitch McConnell Mitch you can’t just disappear in the middle of this poke your head back out of their shell we got nice juicy little piece of lettuce for you well he’s not gonna be much help mr. president I got you who you playing for tonight I’m playing for a little charity called habitat for Hannity it up Sean how do we get a second beach house let’s go with five Steve okay that’s congresswoman Maxine Waters as I’ve said many times before Maxine is a very low IQ person well just a reminder I can now subpoena your tax returns whenever I like I said she’s a genius beautiful a true visionary okay who’s on case eight is that car DB they see Trump in the GOP are just terrified of me because I’m under 100 and I know how to use Instagram I mean just look at Mitch McConnell he’s already bird boxing you know we just over three cases real quick and getting this over with Cory Booker Booker 2020 Congressman Steve King from Iowa whines well at least the guys consistent all right wait a second this time it is cardi B I know this ain’t my business what money okay shut down for like a year let’s take a quick break no Rach I’m gonna open that case from the Clemson football player okay that’s not a briefcase that is a crave case from White Castle well I’d still like to have him open it Steve oh my god okay fine open the case please hamburgers Steve I haven’t eaten a hamburger in the most 15 minutes I’m gonna make that well I guess that makes as much sense as anything else is going on these days [Applause]

Author: Moderator