Riverdale Recap: Archie Debuts His Breakup Hair Betches

Welcome back once again, people, to another wild Wednesday night in Riverdale. Last week left us with a lot of questions, largely what are the writers of Riverdale smoking, and where can I get some? There’s also the question of who would gladly rent out their room in the lumbers to a 17 -year-old whose background check speaks “high school dropout” and “recently incarcerated.” If I conceived any of those questions are to be able to be answered without opening another scheme puncture the size of Archie’s vacation cabin I would have stopped DMing the writers on Instagram. But, alas, here we are. So, on that greenback, let’s just dive right in.

If you’ll recall, when last we left off my devotions had been answered Archie had been mauled by a endure. Lol. After the attack he stole into some sort of demented fever dream where he realized that he is in fact the worst, and then try our best to subconsciously beat himself to death. Again, @writerras WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING ??

Moving on. The episode opens with another judgey voiceover from Jughead. He’s acquiring passive-aggressive mentions about Archie’s brand-new mane colour, and this is a stage of petty I aspire to. Like, your friend just barely survived being mauled to extinction by a wild swine and you’re dragging him for trying to see if brunettes have more fun.

JUGHEAD : He was now a stranger. He had dark hair.

You’re a messy bitch, Jughead, but I affection it!

Archie Debuts

Okay, likewise, can we take a hour to talk about said grizzly attempt? Like, the last we experienced of Archie he was in the middle of nowhere, hemorrhaging to death, and now he’s walking into Riverdale like nothing happened? I necessitate, he had to go to the hospital for those injuries, right? How in the blaze was social services not called? He’s a minor! And did he barter his new L.L. Bean vest to pay the medical invoices? These are the questions that retain me up at night.

Archie goes to Veronica’s bar to let her is recognized that he’s back in city and I sincerely hope she vanquishes him to demise with one of her mocktails. Don’t get me wrong, I love any vistum that involves a male groveling, but Veronica is way too good for this dipsh* t.

VERONICA: What the hell happened to your hair?

Lol. Okay, guys, LET HIM LIVE.

Okay WHAT. Are they going to bang? Right there on the bar? What happened to Reggie? Aren’t they together? Veronica’s all, “Where were you? Why didn’t you call me? ” and when Archie throws her a vague shrug as his reply, she immediately indicates doggy mode behind the bar. Come on, V! I expected more from you.

Guys, Archie has changed soooo much since his time in Canada. Not merely is he brunette, but he doesn’t even got the same guzzle order any more! Okay, stop moving. I’m worried now.

BETTY: Why didn’t you ordering a strawberry milkshake?
ARCHIE: I like root beer moves now.


Root beer floats, Arch? Wow. Canada changed you.

Lol I love how Betty is all of a sudden playing like these kids go to institution. She’s all, “Guys the SATs are this weekend, who all wants to study? ” But when will you have time to study, Betty, what with all the murders you have to solve and adults you need to shake down? Hmm?

Betty’s card get repudiated at Pop’s and it’s the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen on this establish. The card getting disavowed persona , not a adolescent learning how to build credit. Please. She finds out that Alice is the one behind it. Not only has her mama maxed out all of her credit card, but she’s likewise drained all of her savings and college funds and afforded it to The Farm. Because that doesn’t all feel like a culty thing to do.

Okay, STOP. The principal likewise suddenly cares about professors ?? Why is this picture suddenly being logical? Are the writers lastly speaking my burn notebook summaries? WHAT ARE THEY PLAYING AT.

Creative works

I don’t trust any of this.

HAHA. The principal wants Archie to echo his junior year and Archie looks shook. Like, dude, you expend the first half of the school year in prison and the second largest half as a go ad for the outdoor store in seclusion in Canada. You can’t really be surprised that he can’t merely extend you to the next point because you search good with your shirt off. Come on.

Ah, so Veronica is still dating Reggie. Reggie tries to kiss her by her locker and she’s like “um excuse me but the guy who dumped me over a payphone and hasn’t received in response to any of my texts in weeks is actually back and interested in me for five minutes so we’re done, k? ” That’s it, Veronica, dump a guy who’s actually interested in you for one who believed the SATs was a new music celebration. God. Veronica is me. I am Veronica.

Meanwhile, Archie is starting to realize his limiteds. And by restraints I means that he has the vocabulary of a boulder.

JUGHEAD : Let’s start with an easy one. What does “iconoclast” necessitate?

eyesight search

Lol. Yeah, this kid is moving far. But not even as far as management at McDonald’s.

Okay, Veronica is daring. She gets all their friends INCLUDING REGGIE to gather for a study/ welcome home party for Archie. She’s like “sit down lover and let me song you” and I simply vomited in my lip a little. Honestly, Reggie looks about as homicidal as I feel right now. Someone delight attain the random acts of singing stop.

Gargoyle King

Archie starts having flashbacks to his eyesight search and flees the party. Veronica’s like, “he’s changed! He doesn’t even like my singing anymore! ” And it’s like, did he was never, though? Or did he just like to get laid? I’ll let you decide, V!

Cut to the next day, and Reggie is going in on Archie for dipping out on Veronica’s ego trip public serenading. He’s like, “why are you such a little bitch” and it’s, like, damn I guess Archie has the right to remain burned. That was a good one.

HAHA. Archie turns around and shows off his scars from the two attacks and I exactly snorted out loud. He supposedly got mauled within an inch of his life and it just looks like a “cat-o-nine-tail” scratched him. Is this a joke? Are those actually supposed to be claw scores from a accept? There’s scarcely anything there! Reggie, DO NOT be intimidated by this!

Meanwhile, Betty does what I do each time my mother asks me if I actually need all those iced coffees and to” learn to save “: expects daddy for money. She’s like” momma can’t be trusted” as she speaks to a soldier with IRON BARS separating him from society. K.

It turns out Hal was the OG Gargoyle King who poisoned Principal Weatherby back in the working day. He’s like” they were all a bunch of sinners” and I can’t argue with that. Alice wearing cultivate crests during her first trimester! Discovering out that Penelope actually marries her borrowed brother! I’m not comfy with how much duration I’ve spent talking about that flashback episode with my therapist.

Also, is it simply me, or is listening to their father/ daughter bonding day a bit like listening to the last two minutes of a Scooby Doo occurrence?

BETTY : I solved your assassinations, didn’t I?
HAL: And I would have gotten away with it to if it weren’t for my meddling kid!

Okay, I totally forgot that Fangs was running undercover in the Gargoyle Gang. He tries to infiltrate what appears to be a Klan meeting, but with Halloween masks. This is so unsettling.

It’s revealed that Tall Boy is in fact the tree demon/ pretend Gargoyle King who has been coercing people all over Riverdale. But, like, why though? This feels entirely random and not at all like the writers played 52 getaway with the cast’s headshots to insure who would be the villain this season.

Meanwhile, Archie finds out that Reggie and Veronica hooked up while he was gone and he’s piiiissed. I’m not sure why though? Like, Archie, did you or did you not get a lap dance from some rando farm girlfriend three minutes after dropping Veronica over a payphone? Yeah. Cry me a creek, Red.

Betty meets Penelope Blossom about seeing her papa in prison. I’m not surprised at all that Penelope likes to hang out in penitentiaries. That feels very on label for her persona.

BETTY : Are you one of those sickos who fantasizes over serial killers?
PENELOPE : As a girl I did write love letters to Jeffery Dahmer. So, yes.


Oh shut tf up, Betty. As if you’re not one of those sickos who gets wet from murders. You forget we’ve all envisioned your wig, honey!

I’m sorry, but did Archie just ask for one last blow? He’s like “I get it, I’m not very bright and I kind of suck, but can we have breakup copulation please? ” AND VERONICA DOES IT. Mija! Where is your self worth! You’re better than this, lover.

Fast forward to the next day, and it’s SAT time. I’m shocked the writers are actually going to follow through with this plotline. I guess Veronica and Archie test prep a little bit differently than me.

It’s not looking good for Archie. Jesus. He’s struggling to even bubble in his epithet. His combined tally on these best practices test was 600 so I’m not self-confident he even did it right on the practice run. He runs out of the area and instantly has a panic attack.

Meanwhile, Hiram is bragging about out-smarting two high school juniors and FP. Bravo, Hiram. We’re so impressed.

Wait. Holy sh* t. Is Hiram dead ?? Did someone just kill him? Was it Archie? He was all riled up after a long date of number two pencils and standardized exam take …


Mark Consuelos’ best acting to date tbh.

VERONICA : He got shot sometime after you fled the SATs…
ARCHIE : Lol r u serious?

The boy has a point, V! In all integrity, I don’t think it was Archie. This is the boy whose grand has the intention to flee prison involved racing the gates in broad daylight. Premeditated murder feels a little outside his skillset.

Meanwhile, Jughead shows up to the bunker to find that Sweet Pea and Fangs have killed Tall Boy. They’re freaking out but, like, this isn’t the first time Jughead’s gotten rid of a organization before. Figure dumping is kind of his foreplay.

WHAT. FP IS THE SHERIFF. WHAT. First of all, I’ve never been so wet in “peoples lives”. My god, that uniform is everything. Second of all, I’m not even going to question the patch opening that is a imprisoned felon taking over a vacant sheriff statu. As if there wouldn’t be riots in the streets over this. I don’t even care! As long as he wears that uniform from now until forever I’ll take it.

And on that observe, I’m out! If you need me I’ll just be googling” Skeet Ulrich smoke establish” from now until next Wednesday. BYE.

Images: Giphy( 4 ); The CW( 3 );

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