I hate how quickly my good feeling can be ruined. I can read a single convict, scroll past a single photo, be struck with a single thought and my whole day will go downhill.
I have a hard time harbouring onto merriment. No subject how many tries I make at practising self-acceptance and self-care, it prevents stealing from my comprehend. I never know how long a good feeling is going to last — which should make it easier for me to enjoy the moment. It should push me to appreciate my best days. It should induce my happy durations even happier.
Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect. I have a hard time coping with merriment because it would seem to be a manoeuvre. It feels like the passion isn’t supposed to belong to me, like it got lost on its path to someone more deserving.
Whenever something good happens to me, I will ruin it with hours of overthinking. I will jump to the worst case scenario. I will start a countdown clock, waiting for everything good to be taken away from me. I am a pessimist at heart. I expect my dark eras will last longer than my light ones.
Happiness establishes me suspicious. It shapes me be questioned whether the universe is going to balance things out soon. When I’m in a good mood, I feel like it’s too good to be true. I feel like something horrendous is right all over the corner. Sometimes, I’m right. Some of “the worlds largest” thrilling instants of my life were followed by the worst ones.
My happiness is a fragile thing. I’m more accustomed to sadness. I’m comforted by the familiarity. I don’t like to cry myself asleep at night, I don’t like to fasten my bedroom doorway for days on end, but I have done those things so many times they feel normal to me. At least, more normal than smiling real smiles, than giggling real laughs.
I wish I was better at holding onto gaiety. I care I didn’t question every good thing that happened to me because it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I presuppose my friends dislike me, so I distance myself from them and it devastates such relationships. I assume someone is going to break my centre so I turn down dates with them and never end up getting to know them. I expect I am going to flunk so I stay inside of my comfort area instead of taking a shot.
Even though I’m more comfortable in my suffering, I’m not granting myself is necessary to stay in such a state. I’m trying my hardest to take care of myself. To continue my teeth brushed and hair combed and texts answered. I’m trying to pave a successful future for myself. I’m trying my best.
I might not be well acquainted with happiness, but the next time it comes my style, I am going to comprehend it for as long as possible. Maybe one day I will hold on for good.