Jimmy Kimmel’s Plan to End Trump’s Government Shutdown

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US ON A, AGAIN, ANOTHER DAY OF WALL TO WALL DRAMA HERE. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS THAT THERE’S ALMOST TOO MUCH TO WRAP WERE YOUR HEAD AROUND. LAST NIGHT, AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW, THE PRESIDENT INTERRUPTED PRIME TIME TELEVISION TO READ A SPEECH FROM THE OVAL OFFICE, TO WARN US ABOUT MEXICANS, AS IF THEY’RE A MIGRATION OF KILLER BEES SWARMING AFTER US. THE SPEECH I THINK WAS INTENDED TO CONVINCE US THAT WE HAVE A CRISIS AT THE BORDER. HE’S MARRIED TO ONE AND REFUSES TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM. THIS WAS NOT AN INSPIRED SPEECH. IT LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GIVING IT AT GUN POINT. AND HE WAS SNIFFLING. I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE HE FORGOT TO TAKE HIS ALLERGY MEDICATION. >> ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM CONGESTION? UNCONTROLLABLE PERSISTENT SNIFFLING? FINALLY, THERE IS HOPE, WALLEGRA, FOR BORDER-NEGOTIATING RELATED DELUSIONS. ASK YOUR INDICTED CAMPAIGN MANAGER IF WALLEGRA IS RIGHT FOR YOU. IT MAY CAUSE A SUDDEN INABILITY TO USE NUMBERS AND FACTS. WALLEGRA, SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT, NOT YOUR SINUSES. >> AVAILABLE AT BORDER WALGREENS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Jimmy: IT WAS A VERY DRIPPY SPEECH, NASAL AND OTHERWISE, BUT TRUMP WASN’T THE ONLY LEADER WHO CAME OFF BADLY. I DON’T KNOW WHO’S VIEADVISING THEM. BUT AS BAD AS TRUMP’S PRESENTATION WAS, THE REBUTTAL FROM CHUCK SCHUMER AND NANCY PELOSI MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE. >> GOOD EVENING. I APPRECIATE THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ABOUT HOW WE CAN END THIS SHUTDOWN. >> OBVIOUSLY, THEY SUBSCRIBE TO NETFLIX. THEY LOOK LIKE THE TRAILER FOR “GET OUT TWO.” TWO SCARY WHITE PEOPLE ARE THE SECRET. THE MAIN THING WAS TRUMP. HE HAD BIGLY WHOPPER THE FOR US. HE HAD MORE LIES. TRUMP CLAIMED THE WALL, IF WE BUILD IT, WILL PAY FOR ITSELF. THE ONLY PERSON IN HISTORY WHO EVER BANKRUPTED A CASINO SAYS THE WALL WILL PAY FOR ITSELF. THEN TODAY, AFTER A SPEECH THAT CHANGED EXACTLY NO ONE’S MIND, THE PRESIDENT SAID ALL RIGHT, I’M GOING TO MEET WITH THE DEMOCRATS. AND AS YOU READ, IT DID NOT GO WELL. JUST LEFT THE MEETING WITH CHUCK AND FANCY. A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME. I ASKED WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN 30 DAYS IN I QUICKLY OPEN THINGS UP. WILL YOU FUND THE WALL, NANCY PELOSI SAID NO. I SAID BYE-BYE. HE DESPERATELY WANTS TO PIN IT ON DEMOCRATS EVEN THOUGH PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID HE WAS PROUD TO CLAIM IT FOR HIMSELF. CABLE NEWS RUSHES OUT. AND HERE’S CHUCK SCHUMER’S TAKE. >> HE ASKED SPEAKER PELOSI IF SHE WOULD FUND THE WALL, AND SHE SAID NO. AND HE SAID WE HAVE NOTHING TO DISCUSS AND HE WALKED OUT. AGAIN, WE SAW A TEMPER TANTRUM. >> Jimmy: HE ALSO CLAIMED PRESIDENT TRUMP SLAMMED THE TABLE BUT VICE PRESIDENT PENCE HAD A VERY DIFFERENT TAKE ON THE ENCOUNTER. >> CAN YOU DESCRIBE WHAT THE PRESIDENT DID IN THE MEETING AND ARE WE ANY CLOSER TO HAVING A NATIONAL EMERGENCY DECLARED? >> WELL, THE PRESIDENT WALKED INTO THE ROOM AND PASSED OUT CANDY. IT’S TRUE. >> IT IS TRUE. >> Jimmy: HE HANDED OUT BUTTERFINGERS AND M&Ms. I WONDER IF HE HANDS OUT THE BROWN M&Ms OR IF HE STUFFS THOSE BACK IN THE BAG. BUT THE MORNING STARTED WITH A PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT THE WALL, THE PRESIDENT IS POINTING TO OTHER COUNTRIES AS PROOF. >> ISRAEL PUT UP A WALL, 99.9% SUCCES SUCCESSFUL ACCORDING TO BIBI NETANYAHU. HE TOLD ME 99.9. MAYBE HE’LL CHANGE IT. BUT THEY PUT UP A WALL, AND THEY DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM ANYMORE. >> Jimmy: YEAH, RIGHT, NEVER HAVE ANY PROBLEMS IN ISRAEL. HERE’S THE THING, WALLS DON’T STOP DRUGS FROM GETTING IN. PRISONS HAVE WALLS, DRUGS GET INTO PRISONS ALL THE TIME. YOU KNOW WHAT WILL STOP PEOPLE FROM GETTING ACROSS THE BORDER? THE CUSTOMS AND DEA AGENTS. THE PEOPLE DONALD TRUMP HASN’T BEEN PAYING FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS. ONE REPORTER JON KARL ASKED WHY THEY DIDN’T JUST PAY THE WORKERS. >> WHY NOT SIGN THE BILL SO THE WORKERS — >> DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO THAT? DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO THAT, JON? >> IT’S NOT FOR ME. >> NO, SERIOUSLY, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD JUST SIGN? TELL ME, TELL ME. JON, YOU THINK I SHOULD JUST SIGN? >> I’M SAYING IF YOU SIGN THAT, THESE WORKERS CAN START GETTING PAID. >> IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD DO THAT. >> I’M NOT IN YOUR POSITION. >> I’M ASKING YOU, WOULD YOU DO THAT IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION, BECAUSE IF WOULD YOU DO THAT, YOU SHOULD NEVER BE IN THIS POSITION. GOOD-BYE, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. >> Jimmy: IT WAS A FUN DAY. THERE’S NO END TO THE SHUTDOWN IN SIGHT UNLESS THEY LISTEN TO ME. I HAVE A PLAN TO END THE SHUTDOWN TOMORROW, FOR REAL. YOU WANT TO HEAR IT? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I DON’T WANT TO SET THE EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH, BUT, WE ALL KNOW THE HOUSE ISN’T GOING TO AUTHORIZE THE MONEY TO PAY FOR THIS WALL. IT’S A WASTE. EVEN DONALD TRUMP KNOWS IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. HE PROMISED IT, BECAUSE HE DIDN’T THINK HE WAS GOING TO WIN. HE MIGHT AS WELL PROMISE US ALL JET PACKS. HE TOLD THE PEOPLE WHO VOTED FOR HIM THAT HE WAS GOING TO BUILD IT, NOW THEY WANT IT BUILT. HOW DOES HE GET OUT OF IT WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE HE LOST. WE PRETEND TO BUILD THE WALL. TRUMPCARES SO TRUMP CARES SO LITTLE ABOUT THE WALL, HE MIGHT AS WELL START CALLING IT ERIC. AND TELL THE RED HAT CLUB THAT THE WALL IS APPROVED, IT’S GOING UP, WE FOUND A POT OF GOLD ON THE TIJUANA BORDER, WE’RE USE BEING THAT TO BUILD IT. THERE’S NO REASON TO BE HONEST. IF TRUMP TELLS HIS TRUMPERS THAT THE WALL IS BEING BUILT, THEY’LL BELIEVE IT. ARE THEY GOING TO GO DOWN THERE AND CHECK? NO. JUST TAKE A PICTURE OF HIM IN A HARD HAT. HE CAN CUT THE RIBBON, A GROUP OF ACTORS CAN COME IN AND START DIGGING. HE’S HAPPY, WE’RE HAPPY AND EVERYBODY CAN GO BACK TO WORK. JUST MAYBE AT THE END OF ALL THIS DONALD TRUMP WILL REALIZE THAT THE WALL HE THOUGHT HE

Author: Moderator