Colton And Cassie Are America’s Most Extra Instagram Couple Betches

Last night, after weeks of complete uncertainty over who Colton would choose( I kid, we’ve all knows we weeks ), The Bachelor ended with Cassie as the winner. Unlike most seasons, there was no recommendation at the end, but Colton and Cassie both required in order to Instagram to prove how in love they are. They’ve both posted twice since the finale aired, and all of the posts construct me want to throw up in my lip. What can I say, I’m cynical like that! And because I’ve had to suffer through speaking these captions, so should you.

Before reading all of these sappy captions, it’s important to remember that this is a relationship from a TV see, so their entire rapport has to be taken with about a tablespoon of salt. I’m not saying that they’re definitely not into each other at all, but I have seeings and a Tv and Cassie looked like she was uncomfortable around Colton for this entire season, including last-place darknes when they got back together. I guess things can change, but this is a moderately major 180 from when she literally dropped him in Portugal and he had to chase after her through the street.( Speaking that back, it clangs less like the opening up of a Nicholas Sparks-type love story and more like the intro to an occurrence of Criminal Minds .)

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Whatever I write will never amply express the feelings I have for you. You are the most incredible person whom I have ever assembled, you have the kindest soul and the sweetest heart. You changed my life for the better and made this year the most wonderful time of my life. I can’t “ve been waiting for” our undertakings ahead … I have my best friend. I have my girlfriend. I have my future fiance. I have my future wife. But most importantly I have you. Let’s do this thing they call life … together … forever. I love you @cassierandolph

A post shared by Colton S. Underwood (@ coltonunderwood) on Mar 12, 2019 at 6:58 pm PDT

But back to these photos. Colton started things off with this picture of him and Cassie in berth, because is in accordance with bunk together is a thing they do now. Don’t you guys know? He was a VIRGIN and now he is NOT! I genuinely want to know who took this image, because it’s either on a self-timer, which is the least sexy thing in the nations of the world, or there’s a third person in the room, which necessitates the photo is 100% staged–and, I take it back, that’s the least sexy thing in the nations of the world. Either path, these two are already pros at taking staged candids that search good on Instagram. I picture a bright future ahead of them!

In the caption, Colton calls Cassie his” future fiance” and “future wife,” which would be sugared if we didn’t just watch him basically bribe her with a tour to Spain just so she wouldn’t stymie his quantity. That accompanies me to the end of the caption, which is by far the worst thing I’ve ever read 😛 TAGEND

Let’s do this thing they call life … together … forever .”

STOP. NO. I Dislike IT SO MUCH. This is like Colton read a listing of the worst couples Instagram captions and figured out a channel to wheel them all into one. I really can’t with this whole” doing life together” thing. Like, they’re not even committed. Congrats Colton, you have a girlfriend , now delight just leave us all in peace.

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Sometimes it can be hard for me to find my statements( as you all have interpreted haha )… it’s so easy for me to over-analyze and get in my own foreman, specially when my feelings are devastating or when big-hearted things are happening so fast. So, here runs my attempt to placed the past 6 months into texts Stepping out of the limo on nighttime one, I had no idea what was in store for me. The saying “God ever has bigger strategies in mind” “ve never” felt more real to me than it does now. I’m honestly holding back tears as I write this, trying not to get too nostalgic as all the recollections and feelings inundation over me while I reflect on this whole knowledge. I am unbelievably grateful for every single rapport that was formed with 29 amazing women, Colton and all the gang involved. It was a truly unique undertaking that I got the remarkable opportunity to experience. Everyone who has been beside me throughout these past 6 months( during filming and post ), has helped me thrive in ways that I couldn’t ever have imagined. I’ve learned things about myself, relations, and life in general, that I would never have known otherwise. Remembering back to before I was cast on The Bachelor S2 3, I get coldness recognise just how crazy it is that ONE THING has the potential to change life SO MUCH. [?] This past week, I took a much-needed shatter from my social media. I was allowing the view of others, and their sometimes cruel suppositions, genuinely get to me. That accompanies me to perhaps the truest, most impactful thing that this experience has schooled me: to stand true-life to myself. Being real is something we ALL owe to ourselves. Regardless of the outcome, that is the one thing we can do to guarantee no unhappiness … to constitute the best decision we can in the moment. So applauds, my friends( and trolls) to The Bachelor S2 3 finale … may we all live and learn, be humble, and most of all, forever remain open to learning. Thank you for the opportunity to share with you all a glimpse into some of “the worlds largest” pivotal moments of “peoples lives”. So far #thebachelor

A post shared by Cassie Randolph (@ cassierandolph) on Mar 12, 2019 at 6:44 pm PDT

Cassie’s first post uncovering her relationship with Colton peculiarity a caption that is almost 400 words long. If you’re wondering, still further such articles is~ 250 messages, so congrats for reading 2/3 rds of a Cassie Randolph Instagram caption. We’re so anointed. If you don’t feel like speaking the caption( I substantiate you ), it’s basically a commercial for how going on The Bachelor can change your life. At the end, she talks about the pressures of social media, and how she’s trying not to let others get to her. Frankly, I’m just affected she managed to type a short-form paper on a touchscreen keyboard.

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I was going to wait until west coast aired to post this, but I am too impatient. So here it travels! The secret is lastly out !!! Colton, you truly have my heart [?] Sauntering into this experience, I candidly wasn’t sure that true love could come from it. It hasn’t necessarily been the most wonderful street to get to where we are, but if that’s what it required in order to get here, then every single twist and turn has been undeniably WORTH IT. The last 4 months, just focusing on “us” have been amazing and you have become my best friend. You have shown me the purest, strongest cherish that any daughter could ask for. You jumped a fence, took increased risk, and challenged the “rules” to fight for us. I can’t even begin to describe how luck I feel to have you by my back. I am quite extraordinary to see what is next for us in this new period of our “journey” … I’d jump a thousand barriers for you and “like, I know, I KNOW” that I love you more than statements, degree blank [?] ps. you still gives people butterflies

A post shared by Cassie Randolph (@ cassierandolph) on Mar 12, 2019 at 7:55 pm PDT

One hour afterward, Cassie followed up her Insta manifesto with another post about her and Colton, this time with a reflect selfie of them kissing. Cool. After the first post, Cassie must have gotten a telling-off from Instagram about her caption length or something, because this time she maintained it to one chunky paragraph. She talks about how things weren’t always easy with Colton, but they’ve built an amazing rapport in the last four months, and now they’re stronger than ever.( Said by every pair four months into such relationships because it’s the honeymoon period .) Here’s the convict I require printed on my headstone 😛 TAGEND

You jump-start a fence, took a risk, and challenged the “rules” to fight for us.

Damn girl. I don’t know if Taylor Swift is hiring any new songwriters right now, but Cassie has truly smacked her up. I’m happy that Colton and Cassie are happy, and I of course expected them to capitalize on the post-finale buzz, but these captions are kind of transporting me over the leading edge. I actually don’t want to know what their text speeches look like, but I’m imagining a lot of run-on convicts and butterfly emojis. Or more likely, they don’t speak to each other except in cases of when Mike Fleiss texts them a remember of the stipulations in their contracts. Ah, young love.

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She doesn’t know this but I still have the butterfly from the first night.

A post shared by Colton S. Underwood (@ coltonunderwood) on Mar 12, 2019 at 10:23 pm PDT

For his second post of the night, Colton exited with a selfie in the car, supporting the fake butterfly that Cassie passed him when she got out of the limo on the first night. He says in the caption that Cassie doesn’t know he retained it, but he tags her in the goddamn photo, so I believe the secret is out.

Of course, all the faces of BachelorNation wanted to similarly capitalize on the finale, so there were dozens of Bachelor alums commenting on all their photos. I’ve done you all the service of condensing some of my( least) favorites 😛 TAGEND


First of all, 10,000 eye-rolls to Colton for still bringing up that stupid gate fencing every chance he gets. We get it, you hopped over a thing formerly in Portugal, can we please move on with our lives? Jade sounds in to declare that” enjoy acquires ,” which I’m pretty sure is a slogan that was initially meant to support actual issues including wedlock equality, but sure, why not.

Caelynn is certainly sooooo happy for Colton and Cassie, specially because she was basically pimping Cassie out the second largest she got eliminated. Caelynn is possibly still salty she didn’t get chosen to be The Bachelorette, but at least she can note something nice on her friend’s Insta.

Aaaaand rounding things out, we have thirsty Ashley I. being thirsty, as per usual. “Giddy” seems like direction too strong of a word for people she’s probably congregated like, one time.

Congratulations to Colton and Cassie, but you better believe they’re both getting softened on Instagram for the foreseeable future. We’ll see how many weeks these declarations of cherish last-place, before they revert to Flat Tummy Tea # spon and never mention one another again. I’m so sad this season is over, can you tell?

Images: ABC; @coltonunderwood( 2 ), @cassierandolph( 2)/ Instagram

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