It’s perhaps best that you’re sitting down for this.
The National Enquirer threatened to publish Jeff Bezos’ dick pics if he didn’t rein in his personal investigator, and in response the Amazon CEO posted about it on Medium. AMI later claimed it had “acted lawfully” and would investigate Bezos’ allegations.
Taking a page out of Alexander Hamilton’s revenge book, he wrote a lengthy post about security incidents and owned up to the nudes he mailed, “rather than capitulate to extortion and blackmail.”
Once Bezos tweeted a link to the post, “theres only” a matter of time before the dick pic commentary began.
Some couldn’t get over the bizarre scenario.
Bezos Hamilton’d himself. Truly, 2019 is off to a hell of a start.
— Aaron Mehta (@ AaronMehta) February 7, 2019
I can’t decide what the world deserves more: presidential pee-pee videotape or Amazon CEO dick pic. [?]
— Annalee Newitz (@ Annaleen) February 7, 2019
Twitter consumers also praised Bezos — shrugging off nudes because you have the money to is truly a baller move.
What’s the spot of having fuck you fund if you never say fuck you to people blackmailing you over your dick pics.
Good for Bezos.
— Brian Koppelman (@ briankoppelman) February 7, 2019
the real fuck-you move would have been to publish the dick pics himself imo
— Ashley Feinberg (@ ashleyfeinberg) February 7, 2019
Jeff Bezos is the angel of death in so many behaviors but god I fucken cherish this move so hard
— your friend Helen (@ hels) February 7, 2019
Others exactly … genuinely didn’t want to think about a horny billionaire’s genitals.
Gonna be so bummed when the Jeff Bezos dick pics come out and he’s hung like a as. Real morale assassin for the rest of us guys.
— Clue Heywood (@ ClueHeywood) February 7, 2019
Covering my cornerstones by working up some sketch tweets that can be used if Jeff Bezos’s penis is either good or bad
— who pixelates the boatmen? (@ pixelatedboat) February 7, 2019
in retrospect, it was feasible the invention of photography was a mistake
— Ariel Edwards-Levy (@ aedwardslevy) February 7, 2019
There was an abundance of puns and notes to Amazon’s moderately scaring commerce practices.
People who liked this dick pic also bought…
— David Teicher (@ Aerocles) February 7, 2019
There were also reactions to Bezos’ use of “complexifier, ” which probably isn’t the word he was trying to use.
“Source of complications”> “complexifier”
— Matthew Yglesias (@ mattyglesias) February 7, 2019
I like that he utilized the word “complexifier, ” bc it has meant that he definitely wrote it himself and is an actual person who would get into a petty debate with a copy editor.
— Emily Nussbaum (@ emilynussbaum) February 7, 2019
Jeff Bezos calls his dick “the complexifier”
— Noah Hurowitz (@ NoahHurowitz) February 7, 2019
I am a complexifier of my own life
— Tom Tomorrow (@ tomtomorrow) February 8, 2019
I would be less ashamed of the dick pics than of using the word “complexifier”
— Daniel Radosh (@ danielradosh) February 7, 2019
Dibs on The Complexifier, a Jason Statham action thriller about a billionaire who travels rogue to destroy an evil tabloid who violated the standards of the Journalism
— kang (@ jaycaspiankang) February 7, 2019
UPDATE: Feb. 8, 2019, 9:28 a.m. EST This narrative has been updated to include affirmation from AMI.